Life in Death. Trapped in my body, & mind. Personal Prison

                    

        HELP ME!! Someone anyone please HELP ME! I know you are there; I can hear you. I'm screaming, yet I realize there is no sound coming out. Am I disappearing? Then I hear a deep serious voice and the terms "minimal brain activity" "nonresponsive" followed by words "possibly brain dead".  In that moment I tried screaming again. As I cried out, I am alive, I tried to open my eyes, however, I was powerless. I feel so helpless. A Sinking despair. Diving into darkness of what I believed would be my spirit, The emptiness I felt was no life.

     

I then heard a soft voice and felt my body become oddly warm and peaceful. As I drifted, I recall the woman's voice say "it is ok, just breathe.

Relax you are safe".

     What felt like moments later was days, I remember my mother telling me it was time to open my eyes, five more minutes I said…. Here was a simple one. Ashley, you do not have five minutes, if you don't wake up now, you never will. That was followed by open your eyes, over and over, then I woke up. I felt woozy, lost, confused, and uncomfortable, I was intubated and had a machine breathing for me. I tried to rip out the tubes. My family and friends held me down as someone went to get a nurse.

   Not long after, Dr Egnore, the neurosurgeon came in, with a look of shock on his face. He then explained to me that there is a chance that once the tube is taken out, I could stop breathing. My sudden alertness could very well be what is called a surge. For those who are unaware of the word as it pertains to medical terms. The meaning according to very well health.com

A sign that a person is moving towards death, rather than away. This surge of energy may be quite a bit less noticeable but is usually used as a dying person's final physical expression before moving on.

After being asked if I understood, I nodded. After I was extubated, my throat was sore, and I felt groggy. The Dr. Asked how I felt, I could not talk much. I was able to say lost. When asked how I felt otherwise I could say like and at that point, my oxygen levels plummeted, and I then had an oxygen mask put on me and again darkness. However, this time I woke the next day. My body had been stable enough, that the Dr. Saw no reason to intubate me, although I did need to keep the oxygen mask on.

  At that point in time this is what I comprehended. My name is Ashley Nicole Damian, my date of birth is May 26th, 1984, my blood type is A negative, while I had surgery on May 31, 2015, the current day was June 17, I only was aware of the previous things because of the hospital bracelet along with the board on the wall of my room. However, I also perceived another thing I understood to be true. My future is uncertain. Then suddenly my mind proceeded to ask questions. 

  I feel lost, what do I do now? What the hell happened to me? Why can't I communicate? What is the last thing I remember? What in the fuck is Locked-In Syndrome? As I lay in bed, all these questions bombarding my mind, I felt my heart rate getting higher and my head beginning to pound. To calm myself I tried to take slow deep breaths. I also decided to answer the questions I could, which was not many. Regardless even one was better than none. 

    How did I get here? A car accident? No. A seizure? No. Then it hit me, I looked at my arm. On my lovely hospital given accessory, was my name and next to it, my admission date. It was then I would recall why I was there. I was admitted to the surgical unit. I was to have major brain surgery. Why was I in the surgical I.C.U? The last thing I can recall is being rolled into the operating room, the room had two doctors and nurses, tons of nurses. Then, of course, my favorite kind of Dr " the gas man" also known as the anesthesiologist. As he put a mask on me, he had told me to think of a location you want to visit, then count back from 10. I remember trying to fight it. I had a bad feeling for days yet in that instant I had attempted to say wait, I'm not going to wake…. That was it. I had drifted off into a dreadful deep abyss of bone-chilling, secluded, darkness and I was stuck in that location. After that, I don't remember anything, only being stuck in my own personal hell. A prisoner to My own body, my body was acting as my cell. 

   What is locked-in syndrome? According to raredieses.org, the definition of Locked-In Syndrome is a condition in which a patient is aware but cannot move or communicate verbally due to complete paralysis of nearly all voluntary muscles in the body except for vertical eye movements and blinking. Now that I knew what it was, I was scared, hell I was terrified, yet knowledge is key. Once I knew precisely what I was dealing with, I had two options, these options are the same when anybody goes through a trauma. Fight or Flight. Now I could fight and not only face it, I could face it and find a way to beat it. Of course, I could have also run and given up. In that case I would just dissipate, let go, and allowed myself to lay down and die.

No. I had been given a second chance at life. I am a fighter, I took the strength my mother gave me, and I fought for all I still had. Sure, I found swinging at an invisible enemy in the dark difficult and I know I was swinging at nothing at times, yet I kept getting back up. Everyday I found inner strength, even on the most difficult days, especially those days, I somehow found myself able to dig deep down and use whatever strength I could. I did not know much at the time, although I knew this one thing for sure…. I would keep fighting, I would keep surviving,